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Dead Zone: Tales Of The Survivors (chapter 1: Not Alone)

fanfic DZ:TotS

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31 replies to this topic

#1
Herpderphurrdurr

Herpderphurrdurr
  • 460 posts

This is the link to the fanfic I was talking about, for now I'm only posting the first chapter to test out the waters. Let me know what you guys think.

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing


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#2
Stg Jonny

Stg Jonny
  • 436 posts

This is the link to the fanfic I was talking about, for now I'm only posting the first chapter to test out the waters. Let me know what you guys think.
 
https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing


I read the whole thing. Kind of as a bed time story. Its pretty interesting. Can't wait for chapter 2.
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#3
julihei

julihei
  • 22 posts

This is the link to the fanfic I was talking about, for now I'm only posting the first chapter to test out the waters. Let me know what you guys think.

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing

Not bad I enjoyed the first part of your story. keep up the good work. 


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#4
Anderill

Anderill
  • 187 posts

First chapter looked very good, though that "starting equiptment" sounded like I was reading an RPG guide, maybe that could have been incorperated in the story?


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#5
True Evil

True Evil
  • 871 posts

It was okay. It jumped around a bit, I would prefer you setting up the areas such as the first paragraph of Cyriel's perspective instead of saying 'He thought while scanning his surroundings' I would've said something like: he scanned the area, corpses and rubble of a city that had once been were visible. He grasped the pipe tightly as he surveyed each area. Every building he saw some sort of structural weakness, each building he saw only made him clench his pipe tighter. Cyriel started chewing his gums in a vain attempt to curb the hunger he was feeling. 

 

His eyes immediately turned to an apartment building with the front wall in tatters, the grip on his pipe lessened as something glimmered on the side of the building, he quickly snuck over the road past the corpse's and he saw a set of fire escape stairs. He let out a small grin as he placed his hand on the cold, hard railings ...

 

Like that, it was more bare bones, than anything else. Still good. If you want me to give more feedback just ask.


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#6
Herpderphurrdurr

Herpderphurrdurr
  • 460 posts

First chapter looked very good, though that "starting equiptment" sounded like I was reading an RPG guide, maybe that could have been incorperated in the story?

 

It is kind of a way to keep track of equipment used in the story so in a sense it is incorporated into the story.


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#7
Herpderphurrdurr

Herpderphurrdurr
  • 460 posts

First chapter looked very good, though that "starting equiptment" sounded like I was reading an RPG guide, maybe that could have been incorperated in the story?

 

It is kind of a way to keep track of equipment used in the story so in a sense it is incorporated into the story.

 

It was okay. It jumped around a bit, I would prefer you setting up the areas such as the first paragraph of Cyriel's perspective instead of saying 'He thought while scanning his surroundings' I would've said something like: he scanned the area, corpses and rubble of a city that had once been were visible. He grasped the pipe tightly as he surveyed each area. Every building he saw some sort of structural weakness, each building he saw only made him clench his pipe tighter. Cyriel started chewing his gums in a vain attempt to curb the hunger he was feeling. 

 

His eyes immediately turned to an apartment building with the front wall in tatters, the grip on his pipe lessened as something glimmered on the side of the building, he quickly snuck over the road past the corpse's and he saw a set of fire escape stairs. He let out a small grin as he placed his hand on the cold, hard railings ...

 

Like that, it was more bare bones, than anything else. Still good. If you want me to give more feedback just ask.

 

Yeah this is kind of a writing exercise for me. I can't really go into detail with the limits I have had to impose on myself to keep it somewhat family friendly.


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#8
Sandro_Jern

Sandro_Jern
  • 778 posts

Herp this is yours? It's good :) ...keep up the good work

 

I'm no English prof, but you said this is a writing exercise, so I'll try to give it a little literary criticism to help you improve (but feel free to completely ignore everything I write  :P):

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

- Frequent usage of identical wording - In some cases words should be removed, and in others replaced with synonyms, eg:

 

 "...besides forage for food. He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some food. Looking in..."

would sound better as 

"...besides forage for food. He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some. Looking in..."

or 

"...besides forage for food. He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be something. Looking in..."

 

It seems minor, but it jumps out a bit to me as a reader, and making those little edits will make you sound more professional (if that's what you're going for :P) Other places would include:

 

"He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some food. Looking in the darkness of the pitch-black supermarket, he..."

turning into something like 

"He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some food. Looking in the darkness of the pitch-black building, he..."

etc...

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Another comment is check your punctuation. For example, I found this a bit funny:

 

“Shit better silence this bitch before she realises I could be her lunch…”

Soooooo...the shit is silencing the bitch eh? Yea, could use a comma there ;).

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Well anyway, that's my 2 cents, can't wait for part 2...lol, this whole thing makes me want to start on a newbie guide...maybe I'll get to that soon :)


Edited by Sandro_Jern, 12 April 2013 - 12:14 AM.

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#9
Herpderphurrdurr

Herpderphurrdurr
  • 460 posts

Herp this is yours? It's good ...keep up the good work

 

I'm no English prof, but you said this is a writing exercise, so I'll try to give it a little literary criticism to help you improve (but feel free to completely ignore everything I write  ):

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

- Frequent usage of identical wording - In some cases words should be removed, and in others replaced with synonyms, eg:

 

 "...besides forage for food. He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some food. Looking in..."

would sound better as 

"...besides forage for food. He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some. Looking in..."

or 

"...besides forage for food. He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be something. Looking in..."

 

It seems minor, but it jumps out a bit to me as a reader, and making those little edits will make you sound more professional (if that's what you're going for ) Other places would include:

 

"He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some food. Looking in the darkness of the pitch-black supermarket, he..."

turning into something like 

"He carefully went into a supermarket, hoping there would be some food. Looking in the darkness of the pitch-black building, he..."

etc...

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Another comment is check your punctuation. For example, I found this a bit funny:

 

“Shit better silence this bitch before she realises I could be her lunch…”

Soooooo...the shit is silencing the bitch eh? Yea, could use a comma there .

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Well anyway, that's my 2 cents, can't wait for part 2...lol, this whle thing makes me want to start on a newbie guide...maybe I'll get to that soon

 

Good thing about google docs is that any changes I make would be immediately saved so thanks for the timely reminder.


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#10
Mikey Hunty

Mikey Hunty
  • 1 posts

I like it herp, good job. I don't think any of it is too offensive. But granted, offensive to me and offensive to other people is probably a HUGE difference. Hopefully Con doesn't think its too bad so then you can post the rest of it.



#11
James_C_Grayson

James_C_Grayson
  • 237 posts

This is the link to the fanfic I was talking about, for now I'm only posting the first chapter to test out the waters. Let me know what you guys think.

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing

Great story, i loved it. Can't wait for your next chapter. :)

 

 

One thing though..."bladed pipe"?, it confused me.


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#12
sweetsammi

sweetsammi
  • 57 posts

Love it Herp! Great Job! cant wait to read more :)


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#13
Sandro_Jern

Sandro_Jern
  • 778 posts

Love it Herp! Great Job! cant wait to read more :)

 

Hah, sammi made it :) , welcome!


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#14
sweetsammi

sweetsammi
  • 57 posts

lol sanks...still tryin to figure it all out though lol


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#15
matteofumagalli

matteofumagalli
  • 213 posts

read the story: i love it hope you can continue  writing the story. keep going! (btw i'm manrico in the game always in dz0)


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#16
Zeus_Cubo

Zeus_Cubo
  • 49 posts

Awesome work, keep it on!


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#17
Overlord of Zombies

Overlord of Zombies
  • 20 posts

This is nice, it might could use a little bit more grammar and some minor punctuation tweaks, but rather interesting overall.


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#18
EternalFlame

EternalFlame
  • 2 posts

a very nice read

looking forward to seeing chapter 2 :D


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#19
Samuel Feng

Samuel Feng
  • 64 posts

Well, I was just thinking that you could add (just my opinion)

 

"Blowing a neat hole in the zombie's head and ricocheting inside, destroying the brain while Cyriel instantaneously turns his head to the right"... and follow up. :) Hope this helps.


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#20
ZackMoody

ZackMoody
  • 67 posts

@Herp:

Liked it, keep it up. I got two suggestions: The first would be to break up the "rivers of text" into shorter, sweeter paragraphs.

The second one: Maybe post more often? LOL.

Thanks, and I'll be waiting for the second chapter.


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